Archive | March, 2014

An EPIC Mardi Gras Trip from 20+ years ago

5 Mar

Long long ago, before blogs and social media, I used to write tales of my travels in my journal.  This epic tale was written in pencil in my journal….


An EPIC Mardi Gras Trip from 20+ years ago

It’s almost time to leave
and I am ready to go.
Jamie and I are going to eat
As Tonya and Crystal wait for us to show

Tonya is now part of the crew
And we’re all ready to fly
Now all we have to do
Is pick up and say BYE….
to DALLAS!!!

Now the roads are dark
and we’re on our way
We’re talking about the Faire
and everything is okay

I sing some songs by Harry
As we drive through Cork and Bottle
The dark roads are scarey
So lets lay back and increase throttle

Alexandria is next on the map
Without a gas station for miles
I give the fuel gauge a tap
And away go our smiles
BUT WAIT, hope is in sight
There is a Texaco sign
F*CK, It’s CLOSED for the NIGHT!
So on a King Cake we dine.

Cars stop, then go on their way
I develop a PLAN
And then call Triple A
Now we’re on the road again.  

Hours later my tired eyes
Look down the infinite bridge
To see a happy sunrise

Driving in my sleep
In desperate need for a Bed
We stop at a rest area

After a jump we continue 
Finally we’re in Baton Rouge
At last we’re in the hotel
And I begin to snooze.

Once again the car won’t start
So we go downtown to Western Auto
Of all the town this is the worst part
So we fix the car and go
back to the hotel, then on to Mardi Gras
With the T-tops off we sit still
In the biggest traffic jam I ever saw.

We find a place to park the car
And roam into the French Quarter
Every place seems to have a bar
And all the actions seems a blur

Pushing, Shoving, Making our way through
Holding hands, getting beads, watching parades,
Drinking, eating, drinking, so much to do
Taking pictures, finding restrooms as the day fades
Jenny and Greg are selling hats
And Jamie finally finds her drum
I eat oysters, which are aphrodisiacs

Drink some hurricanes and have some fun
We miss Jenny and stroll down Bourbon Street
Trying to hold hands of three women 
Who all these horny guys would like to… meet

I’ve perfected a “Go to hell” look to each of them
Oh Look, some boobs and a chain of bras
And there’s some legs swinging out a window
The wildest crowd has to be Mardi Gras’

Feeling kinda funny, it’s time to go. 
Covered with beads we find the car
Lock the doors and we’re on our way
Get some gas cause the drive is far
Can I have directions to the highway
I’m so tired and exhausted I feel high
I hear a sound as I increase speed
And OFF pops the T-Top into the sky
I stop the car to repair the deed
And rescue the T-Top from certain death  

Its not cracked, just scratched all to hell.
So I run back to the car to catch my breath
Maybe I don’t feel so well.

Jamie is sick, but wants to drive
So I pull over to give her control
This is probably best to make it home alive
So its off to dream land I go

I soon awaken by Jamie getting a DWI test
We have been pulled over by an A-hole
He tells Jamie she is under arrest
She tells him whats up and on we go.

We make it back to the hotel
The trip here makes me want to scream
But Jamie is lying beside me
She touches me and I begin to dream. 

OH NO!  What time is it?
It’s late and we’ve got to go
The weather is for shit
And the traffic is so very slow.

We are now in New Orleans after noon
They want to park my car in mid-air.
We have to get to the Hard Rock soon
If we can find our way there

Walking around, waiting to be seated
Shopping, looking, there’s 3 girls kissing
The Nachos are bad, and more are needed.
The Hard Rock waiter is dissing

Jamie and Tonya disappeare to a restroom
I worry as I sip my hurricane
Finally they return from certain doom
Now to continue the ADVENTURES OF TIM SHANE!

Down to Barracks Street to get a drum for Jamie,
Then back to Jennys Apartment.
Can’t wait for Bacchus! Can you blame me?
We get there early to get a good seat of cement.

It seems like we’re waiting forever
Tonya climbs a tree and Jamie hugs me
The size of this Fosters Beer is Clever 
Jamie is up on my shoulders to see

I share the rest of my beer
As the parade finally starts
The Bacchus Float is here
Harry Connick Jr, Ooh that SMARTS
Oh My GOD I begin to yell HARRY!
He throws his coins and beads
He turns around to see me
And points to me to answer my pleads
Then, in his own jazzy way
The throws me a handful of coins
Jamie and I follow him for a way
Seeing girls hunger from their loins
Then by a miracle of chance
He points me out once again
And we do a little “Tim Dance”
Snapping pictures like crazy
My camera stops working
Trying not to let this phase me
I beat the living sh*t out of this damn piece of non-working good for nothing cheap crap….

Jamie and I rejoin the group
And we make a human totem pole
It’s amazing how low people stoop
to get beads people earned or stole

Jumping, leaping, Grabbing
PUSHING, pulling, Tugging
Laughing, pouting, anything for BEADS!

Several hours later, its finally over
But it seemed to go by so fast
Suddenly I’m exhausted and sober
I’m starving, is it time for breakfast?

We go to a local bar called Deja VU
I am rich with pounds of beads 
Everyone is drinking and smoking too
Clear us a table for WE HAVE NEEDS.

Jamie and Tonya go to the restroom alot
The things I am learning on this trip…
I sit and count all the coins I got
Some Jagermeister guy gives me a sip
Before I know it there’s a test tube in my throat
The shot shoots down my throat, tastes like Nyquil
By now I’m so high on life I feel like I can float
But the guy standing behind me looks like he’ll be ill
Watching him closely for he is going to spew
We all decide it’s time to leave
Some guy seems to like me so I do what guys do
And learn women aren’t the only one objectified for beads

We hit the streets with Jenny leading the way
I am really concerned for Jamies well being
For she hasnt’ felt good most of the day
What a wonderful time partying and sight-seeing.

Now we are back at Jenny’s at last.
Jamie lies down at Jen’s place
I join the others on the balcony with my mask
I’m covered with beads with feathers on my face

Tonya yells to some guy down below
“Throw me your tits and I’ll show you my beads”
Jamie tells us its time to go
Bless her, for she had to sneeze.  

We pack up her drum and my jester head
And set out on our weary quest 
Everyone feels like their dead
As we keep stopping to rest.

Walking down dark alleys we don’t want to
Looking for “Dixie Parking” on Gravier
Making our way out of this human zoo
Trying our best to get there.

AT LAST the Firebird is in sight
We load up and get ready to leave
It starts up and everything seems alright
But my car has been known to deceive.  

In the car we turn and burn
As we say GOODBYE to New Orleans
I know in my heart I will soon return
Whether I drive this car or by other means.

Before I know it we are driving in hell
As the party land fades in the distance
The smoke blinds us in this flaming cell
The heat wearing down our resistance.

It is all over and now the road is clear
Once again we feel the cool night
We’re on our way out of here
Oh NO ! We are losing our sight!
It’s almost too dark to steer.
Just when I thought it’d be alright
The damn alternator goes out
We stop for gas at this little store
I get out to pay, but I want to shout
Please don’t let anything go wrong anymore.

This new battery has alot of kick.
It starts the car with still miles to go.
I keep jumper cables and my stick
Very handy for what comes next I don’t know.

As we get closer, the lights go dim
Jamie, Tonya and Crystal have to be thinking
This Firebird just doesn’t like Tim
For if this was a boat we’d surely be sinking.
All the power of the car is gone
Flying in the dark, blind as a bat
The warning light is still the only thing on
We coast to the hotel and that is the end of THAT.  




It is now morning on our last day
I call home for some helpful advice
My last hope is to call Triple A
Buying a new alternator would be nice. 

We pack the car and check out
The battery is fully charged
We eat and then without a doubt
Hit the road while it’s still light.
Everything is fine until sunset
We get gas, then drive into the night.
It seems impossible but dont’ fret
I’ve done this before, and this is bad.

I turn on my lights as the power drains
People flash me as if I’m ad
The the stress drives me insane
The battery is dead and the car has no oil
We place ourselves in traffic to see the road
The car starts smoking as water starts to boil
We pass cops on our way to my abode
But none of them help me now
Terrell, Mesquite and finally Garland
We’ve made it, not really sure how.  

My dad comes out to give me a hand
The Firebird has had enough
And I get Jamie, Tonya and Crystal home 
The trip was tough
But now I drive safely home.

It was some of the best times
and one of the toughest struggles
and I apologize for these cheesy rhymes.