Tag Archives: trust

Can You Trust The Opposite Sex?

21 Mar

While working to improve some trust issues in my personal relationships with the opposite sex, the Huffington Post released an article “Men Just Don’t Trust Women” and added “It’s a Huge Problem“. Personally I found the article played it safe and danced around the issue utilizing one of my favorite tactics; humor.  It also did not address anything substantial aside from he has a built in EF (Exaggeration Factor).  I will say it and many people have confided in me that they find the opposite sex “Emotionally Manipulative”.  The more I get to know someone the more I understand their “EF” and I don’t care if they ‘re a man, woman, age, religion or sexual preference.  Since it seems I am not the only one struggling with trust issues with the opposite sex, lets go deeper.  Some make promises they have no intention of keeping, pretend to misunderstand when it suits them and use your own emotions against you.  This is not every woman, or every man, but they sure mess it up for the rest of us.

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It’s Not Women… Necessarily

Perhaps a headline of “Women Just Don’t Trust Men” wouldn’t get attention. Everybody knows that. (Wanna save on car insurance?) Most would respond “Duh” and move on to more important topics such as videos of kittens or funny memes and lets face it, Huffington Post wants people to read their content as I want you to read mine. I say we quickly learn whether or not we can trust the “opposite sex” and level the playing field.  Men OR Woman, the “Huge Problem” is people trusting people we shouldn’t and not trusting people we should.  Lets get back to the basics and allow me to shout out to my parents for instilling in me that trust is earned, not given.  (Also true with respect)

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Trust Me

As a general rule, the more a person says “Trust Me” the less I do.  In contrast I have also observed that I trust people when their actions have demonstrated that they are trustworthy.  Depending on your environment and the circumstances sometimes people consider it more fun to behave in a untrustworthy manner, and some may rank being “fun” higher than being “trustworthy” or “honorable”.  Perhaps they have never seen the reward of trusting someone or perhaps they are so jaded at being continually disappointed that they no longer believe anyone is trustworthy including themselves.  Personally, I strive to be impeccable with my word even down to the details but I try to never say “Trust Me” unless I am paying homage to a Harrison Ford character.  Sometimes I am in a situation that requires the person to trust me when they don’t have the time and history to see how trustworthy I am and I am asking them to take a leap of faith.  Of course intimate romantic situations have more at stake than your average acquaintance, sale or service, so it tends to impact us more.  Therefore do we trust the opposite sex less, or is it simply we have higher criteria because there is more at stake?  I am going with there is more at stake.

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Trust No One

Earning someone’s trust is a great responsibility and in a world of instant gratification it has become much easier to simply trust no one.  This may also explain why people can feel isolated and lonely in relationships.  Emotional Intelligence and growth is limited when you do not trust, so if you want to grow and be the best person you can be, you have to learn who to trust and who not to.  There are people I do trust and the reward is worth it.  Having that one person you can count on is better than hundreds you “think” you can count on.  The tricky part is we don’t get the clear validation for choosing wisely as quickly as you do when you’ve chosen poorly.  Sometimes it becomes clear from all the people that are not worthy of your trust.  Pay attention to who is trustworthy as much as who is not, but don’t put up so many walls that you suffocate yourself.

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Action Plan

Be the change you want to see in the world.  If you want people to behave more trustworthy no matter what their sexual orientation or culture, then be the person they can trust.  Treat them how you want to be treated; Trust them how you want to be trusted. Start small because from experience if you go “all in” and your partner does not then you just get jaded and resentful.  Start with details such as time, small tasks and discrete disclosures before moving to major commitments, promises or secrets. Do they do what they say they are going to?  Are they accurate and accountable in the expectations they present to you? Do they honor your privacy? Do they respect you? If so then proceed to the next level of risk reward ratio and repeat as appropriate.  I have some very trusted friends that I can trust with some things but not others and I accept them fully for who they are.  Where do you fit?  What have you learned?  I would love to hear in the comments.

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The name is BOLD

19 Sep

I have been promising an explanation for leaving my position at the Dallas BBB. Here it is.

They say if you love what you do, you will never work a day in your life, and it was no secret I fell in love with working at the Bureau.  Every day presented new challenges and new opportunities.  We fought the good fight every day next to like-minded individuals that believed in not only solving problems, but inspiring and empowering people to do business better.  There was always something new to learn  I looked forward to work every day and could see how my team and I were making a difference.

In the past year I was the leader in bringing in new businesses and promoting trust in the marketplace  using my fundraising and philanthropic skill set in the area of sponsorships.  This was not the kind of environment where you are “micro-managed”, rather the kind where you were inspired by good “leadership”.  There were some changes in that leadership and I was even a candidate for position of Vice President.  Why would I leave?

“You will get all you want in life if you help enough other people get what they want.” (Zig Ziglar)

A few of those aforementioned inspirational leaders formed a team of brilliant minds and talent within the system and asked me to be included.  They offered me a team and a leadership role that would utilize many of my additional talents while allowing me to bring that leadership and talent to multiple organizations around the U.S. and the world.

Since my arrival I have been able to do more in a week than I used to do in a month, basically doing the same job on a larger scale and it has been keeping me quite busy.  Although I am working with many familiar faces from my post at Dallas and I have brought in some others that I have worked with previously, it is a vital new organization Built On Leadership Development.  The name is BOLD!

My extension is also 0007 (That is 007 with an extra 0 to show I mean business)

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True Stories: Leonard the Shoe Doctor

20 Jun

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This is a true story about what happened when I did not trust someone that I had been doing business with for over a year.  Trust is always a factor in business, especially after it has been earned.

I dress well in my own signature style and usually have good relationships with tailors, dry-cleaners, groomers and lately Leonard, the Shoe Doctor.

The handle broke on my handcrafted leather bag.  One might say that it was a gift from an ex but I feel that I earned it.  It’s traveled most of the continent and taken a beating.  Clutching it as I fumbled in the rain I saw Leonard, “The Shoe Doctor” as he is known throughout the busy underground of Downtown Dallas.  Executives drop off their shoes, purses and leather goods to him first thing in the morning and he gives them quality care as not to rush your lunch time.  He personally delivers them to the office when ready.  He saw my bag and pretty much started finishing my sentences for me.  Assured the cost would not be much, he could probably have it repaired, cleaned and better than new in no time.  He agreed to meet me at my office so I could empty the contents.

Normally I pay and tip Leonard in cash, and even now I’m not sure he takes anything else.  From his advertised prices and our conversation I was confident the cash I had on me was more than enough.  However we always discuss price on his turf, and now here we were at my office door.  The price he said sounded to me like I could cover it and give a substantial tip.  Leonard looked at me funny and said the prices again and I pulled out the calculator on my phone and showed him what that added up to.  Leonard was still puzzled.  Things were awkward.  He then explained to me the repair price wasn’t the total price, and that I needed 2 repairs.  One for each place the handle connected.  One was broken but the other was literally “hanging by a thread”.

Be Prepared” is one of many mottos I follow.  As I pulled out my Backup Benjamin I had a feeling that I was being hustled, ironically in front of the big torch of the bureau on my door.  It was my turn to look at Leonard funny in what quite literally was a “moment of truth”.  It was at that moment that I made the decision that I think most people I talk to every day make.  I gave him the money and tried to justify the action to myself.

As I sat back at my desk I realized that many people are not confrontational when they feel they are being scammed or hustled.  They don’t say “STOP!  I don’t trust you.”  People are much more likely to tell someone “I can’t afford it” or “Not right now” than they are to say “I don’t trust you”.  I was pretty sure I was scammed and I started paying extra close attention to my behavior.  I can sum them up in 4 actions that all start with the letter D as in DUH!

DENY  First thing I started doing was justifying it to myself.  “Not me.”  Rationalizing to myself and quite frankly if it was not part of my job to educate people I might have somehow made it my fault or dismissed it as a misunderstanding.

DECLARE:  They say someone that has a bad experience is more likely to talk about it than if they experienced something good.  I did not even realize that I was talking about it, but a colleague asked what was wrong.  Next thing I know people that I did not think could even be listening are sharing their advice on the matter.

DIG:  I start researching comparative costs.  I investigated online and do not find a website, a bbb listing or anything else on him so I walked down to his sign where I take a picture of this published prices with my phone.

DECIDE:  Just as I thought I had all the information I was just hoping to get my bag back and then have to find someone new when I thought “Wait, what do I have to lose by telling him exactly how this went down from my perspective?”  So I decided to give it a try.

Part of my job is educating the business and the public on how to spot a scam and what to do if you find yourself caught up in one.  Every day a business owner swears to me that they do not have such a problem.  It is funny to think that someone would have that awkward conversation of how much they do not trust you..  Typically they just tell you they went in another direction when you follow up and make it as if it were about something else.

So I proceeded to have that awkward conversation with Leonard and in the long run we are both better for it.  Naturally he was initially offended, and I think that anticipated reaction might be why most people shy away from such confrontation.  I presented the scenario and even showed him the pictures of his advertisement and evidence as to why I felt misled.

Leonard explained his side and I had to admit that I might have misunderstood.  When he went into the detail of the process of the repair, cleaning and treating and by the end of it I felt as though I should give him more money.  He also found the advertisement and showed me it was almost 10 years old and he was having the sign updated and until it could be he covered up the parts that were no longer true.

I felt so much better and Leonard says he does too.  He said he stayed up thinking about it and after he explained his side of the story I have so much more respect for the work that he does.  I have a new appreciation for the value and he got some honest feedback that might help him win the trust of clients he may never have known were even needing his services.

A very interesting thing I learned about myself was that even though I like to think of myself as a brave soul who is not afraid to stand up for what is right, I found myself trying to avoid the conflict just like I think many people do.  Also, because one of the things I enjoy most about my job is to helping more and more people do the right thing because after all, if more people lead by example, that many more will follow.

Thank you Leonard for taking care of my shoes, my bag and helping me learn an important lesson in the process.
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